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Disturbed Minds

I really like my nurse practitioner who is assisting me with my taper by prescribing a long acting benzo and 2 other medications for the short acting one I was addicted to. My nurse practitioner  reminds me of Dr. Melfi from the Sopranos. They could, I think, pass for sisters.  

Today during my visit I was told that if I was feeling kinda down I could actually be given a 3rd medication.

Do you see the sadness in all of this?

I would never hurt this person who has listened to my every bitch and been absolutely understanding and amazing when it comes to my taper. She gets that this is my taper. And that it is my way or the highway. And I respect her 100% for that.

But she believes in the use of sub-psychotropic drugs and I just can't pop those Susie Qs and Johnnies. She has no idea that I am not taking the 2 other medications and never have.

Oh not true, I once took half of the anti-psychotic Susie Q I am supposed to take at night. But just once. Anti-psychotic. Sounds like such a hateful word. → 😜 ←

It is disturbing to me that I am being denied benzos - not by her - but by the DEA which has dictated that I should be on other drugs that have been carelessly deemed less harmful, but are, in fact, equally addicting.

I'm not going to ride on that particular  merry-go-round. If I can't live pill free I will die. For me, it really is that simple.

My heart is broken anyway. Yes, I still cry for Yoska. I know he has moved on to a place I know exists but can not yet comprehend. And even though I have been blessed with more time with our son, it is Yoska with whom I belong.

My son is a good man. But I want him to grow in life not bound by his loyalty to me. I need him to live his life without having to worry about mine;  to know that he was deeply loved and to move on without fear that he has abandoned me. I want with all of my life, for my son to be free....To be the man his father was.

I know in time, when it is time, he will be.